Lumina&Popuri

[untitled] #4

9.3.12

Seems like this march is so full with absurd things related to school daily routine.

However, i suddenly wonder why i'm sucha useless daughter for my mom yeah i know maybe everybody think like this, when you're day dreaming and this fuckin thought suddenly pop out from your brain.......lol just kidding.

But, seriously i just wish my mom would proud of me at least from the little side of my personality. I know mom, in your deepest heart you really want me to become a perfect daughter and a smart student in school who always get 1st rank, recognized by the teacher, your friends, our neighbors, my friends and etc, i know you might think that it's so easy to reach it. I first think like that, but everything doesn't look like as easy as what we expected mom.

The word that my mom always told to me that 'why she/he could get the 10 biggest rank in class while you couldn't get it?'

I keep trying my best, but i don't know why it is really hard to get what you want. Yes, lazziness is everywhere. How could i get the 10 biggest rank in class while i'm here, playing with my laptop, virtually meet oppas and had my lazy ass to take my book from my bag and end up without study anything :/

I tell you to buy this and buy that, begging you to allow me to go out with my friends, tell you that i got /usual/ headache, and you have to pay attention to me and ignore bro as long as you're taking care of me when i'm ill.

-I may will type so many but-

But, when you only ask me to get the best score in every subjects........the hell why i cannot give you that when it looks easier than what you did to me the whole time :(

I've been thinking about suicide because of my mom. I cannot please her, but if i commit, it will only make her more dissapointed in me. Deep inside, i sometimes say to myself that i hate to be in the shadow of my sister, to be second always. It gives me a lot of pain, although i know it's my fault, no matter how hard i try, i'll never be as good as my sister or my bestfriend, so i ressort to envying them. What? Envying is a sin? It's not allowed to envying something? OKAY then kill me <//3

I'm so sick of hating myslef. I hate feeling like i'm never good enough. I just wish i could tell my mom about how i feel inside, but i know she will never understand.

I'm sorry mom, i'm sorry for not being the perfect daughter you've always wanted :"(

-sincerely your daughter Chandra Natalia-

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About Me

My name is Chandra Natalia, it is not my full name so you can just call me chandra or something like that. I'm legally 17th now, an high expectation-er who is a student for 12 grade, i do a lot of random things when i have nothing to do, i daydream a lot, sleep a lot, eat a lot, that's why i'm such a fatyeoja, i like changing my template, it's around 5 times or more i changed it every year. I hate facing my laptop's screen, because its brightness is really damn bright, my eyes hurt and too bad i couldn't avoid it because i love my laptop since it'll be there for me when noone's home. I completely happy to have my mother, a sister and a brother next to me. I hate them sometimes, but maybe that's why they're really mean a lot to me more than anyone else. Watch out my father is watching........beep..beep